Memento mori
Apr. 6th, 2007 11:13 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Back again from the funeral. It is always weird to see someone go for good and never return, to know that that's a voice you will never hear again, someone whose hugs you will never again receive, whose food and hospitality you will never again experience. Today, this only happens when people die, but not so long ago, it was the same when a poor person moved abroad. Small wonder the Irish held America wakes.
I have realized that the last year or two, I have become mortal. Someone once wrote that you are immortal for as long as you live, it isn't until you die that there is a difference between the mortal and the immortal. At any given moment in time, all who live are immortal. Well, that may be true. However, there is another difference between mortal and immortal. When you are young, it is very difficult to accept that you one day will die. You know it intellectually, perhaps it scares you beyond reason, but you don't really accept it, deep down. And then, one day, that knowledge suddenly permeates all of you, and you finally realize, know that it's true. You will die. Then you become mortal. This can happen for many reasons, but being surrounded by death is the most typical, I suppose. People who have been very ill and recover will return knowing they're mortal. Soldiers in a war who see their comrades die will reach this knowledge.
I think I've gradually arrived there during the past year. I think it's a combination of aging and suddenly seeing all the people and relatives I used to know as middle-aged, turn 65, 70, and 75, or die. I remember a teacher I had, who was 50, active and strong, in the bloom of his life. Now he's 80. I remember my mother's 30th birthday quite well. This year she turns 65. The people I knew who were 65 when my mother was 30 are all dead now, without exception. So it has finally dawned on me that I, too, will die. And that knowledge is a bad thing and a good thing, but I think mostly a good thing.
A propos which, I should call my father. We speak far too seldom; we're both bad at keeping in touch. My parents divorced when I was seven and dad moved to a different town, started a new family, so we haven't really been that close. But he's a good man, I like him a lot, and he definitely feels like a father to me.
I have realized that the last year or two, I have become mortal. Someone once wrote that you are immortal for as long as you live, it isn't until you die that there is a difference between the mortal and the immortal. At any given moment in time, all who live are immortal. Well, that may be true. However, there is another difference between mortal and immortal. When you are young, it is very difficult to accept that you one day will die. You know it intellectually, perhaps it scares you beyond reason, but you don't really accept it, deep down. And then, one day, that knowledge suddenly permeates all of you, and you finally realize, know that it's true. You will die. Then you become mortal. This can happen for many reasons, but being surrounded by death is the most typical, I suppose. People who have been very ill and recover will return knowing they're mortal. Soldiers in a war who see their comrades die will reach this knowledge.
I think I've gradually arrived there during the past year. I think it's a combination of aging and suddenly seeing all the people and relatives I used to know as middle-aged, turn 65, 70, and 75, or die. I remember a teacher I had, who was 50, active and strong, in the bloom of his life. Now he's 80. I remember my mother's 30th birthday quite well. This year she turns 65. The people I knew who were 65 when my mother was 30 are all dead now, without exception. So it has finally dawned on me that I, too, will die. And that knowledge is a bad thing and a good thing, but I think mostly a good thing.
A propos which, I should call my father. We speak far too seldom; we're both bad at keeping in touch. My parents divorced when I was seven and dad moved to a different town, started a new family, so we haven't really been that close. But he's a good man, I like him a lot, and he definitely feels like a father to me.
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Date: 2007-04-06 11:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-06 04:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-06 03:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-06 04:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-06 05:34 pm (UTC)On the other hand, old age might provide freedoms that we didn't know when we were younger, freedoms that are so precious that we wouldn't want to give them away for less rheumatism in the bones any more.
Life is a strange journey, isn't it? Whenever we're thinking that we learned how to deal with it, some new, yet unknown experiences come sneaking around the bend...
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Date: 2007-04-06 06:12 pm (UTC)However, I think there are only two things that make me feel rushed. I will never read all the books I want to read and I am afraid I will never again work with something that really makes me enthusiastic. I like my job, it's challenging, workmates are excellent, salary is quite satisfactory, but writing documentation for programming tools will never enthuse me.
And I almost remember the moment I realized I would never manage to read more than a few thousand more books in my life. *shudder*
But other than that I'm fine. I never had any grand plans for life anyway, other than being reasonably happy and satisfied. And that I am.
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Date: 2007-04-06 06:43 pm (UTC)I re-read books. There are thousands of books I will have missed, just as there are thousands of things I would have loved to do but will never try, thousands of people I would have loved but will never meet, and so on. I can't have it all; I enjoy what I have.
(And then, maybe, that's a sign that I'm still not quite comfortable with the thought of me being mortal...)
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Date: 2007-04-06 06:48 pm (UTC)As all of you have guessed by now, I almost never re-read books. (I think your attitude is the more sensible one, gnapp, but I can't bring myself to adopting it. Not yet.)
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Date: 2007-04-07 11:41 am (UTC)But I also think that becoming mortal makes you appriciate life more, and that is a good thing, since no one is immortal forever.